I know that it is pretty unfair to compare a brand new relationship in all of its wonderful newness to the end of my crumbling marriage - but even thinking WAY back (13 years!) to my xH and my beginning days as a couple, I was never ever taken care of like this. Ever. EVER. Note the emphasis?
The Pilot asked way back in December if he could plan something for my upcoming birthday. Our relationship was still super new, but I was excited about where it might be headed and more than happy to let someone plan something for me. I mean, after all, xH actually forgot my 30th birthday last year. So, yeah, I let him plan something.
With xH, "planning" consisted of him telling me what he wanted to do, and me making every phone call and reservation and tending to all of the little details. This time? Nothing. All I had to do was pack a bag with the vague instructions to pack for colder weather and have something to wear for a nicer dinner. Ooooo! Surprises! I love surprises :)
The night before we were to leave, he said he just couldn't wait any longer and wanted to tell me all about his plans... and then he proceeded to pull out a manila envelope full of papers - he printed off a page all about the hotel we were going to, menus from the restaurants he picked out (based on my two favorite types of food - of course), a paper with the description of the massage he booked for me at our hotel, and more. Seriously?! This guy totally knows that I am a super planner and love to know every single detail about everything... there wasn't a single detail he didn't think of.
Presents? Yeah... there were presents. First, before we left, he surprised me with two big calphalon skillets and a huge cast iron pan (xH ended up with those in the divorce, and the Pilot and I were joking recently about my need for bigger pans so I can cook for our huge bunch of kids). Then, he bought me the absolutely cutest workout outfit from GapBody (capris, long sleeved shirt and jacket) so I had something appropriate to wear to my massage. I have never had anyone beside my mom buy me clothes before... it was really sweet. Then, once we got to our destination (Sedona), he pulled out my "birthday cake"... which was a pound of my favorite candy from See's (Bordeaux). He even put a 3 and 1 candle in it, lit it, and sang happy birthday.
We had a few amazing meals and cups of coffee... a lot of "in the room" time... and really enjoyed being together without any interruptions. It was pure bliss.
He's working hard to make me happy... and he's impressing the heck out of me... I'm loving every minute.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Guilty.
I have a few posts to write about how absolutely perfect and wonderful everything is...
but first - we need to talk about my mental block.
Sometimes, I look over at the Pilot and think... I am doing something SO wrong here. Let me assure you, this has nothing to do with him - this is all something that is going on in my head, and I can't seem to get ahold of it and work it out completely yet. I have spent the last 13+ years knowing that my hands belonged on ONE person only... and now suddenly, that person is someone else... and my brain can't seem to catch up to the new situation. It still seems to think that I'm cheating on my husband and I actually have moments where I feel guilty about what is happening. Guilty that I'm happy... guilty that I'm being taken care of... guilty that my hands are on someone else.
Not one single part of me want to reconcile with xH. But somehow... I just can't quite wrap my head around being with someone else. It was all fun and games, and no big deal to move on... until things started getting serious. Now, my head is talking crazy to me - reminding me that I thought things were perfect the first time around... and they weren't. I thought xH was the one for me... and he wasn't. I thought I'd never get divorced... but I did. I'm terrified that I won't do it right the next time. I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake and I'll drag my kids into it... and his, too. I'm terrified to start and I'm terrified to stop - because I think this issue is ALL in my head... nothing to do with the Pilot at all. I'm just so scared because he SEES it all - the house, the minivan, the wedding, the babies... and in between flashes of that future, I see failure and hurt and what-ifs.
It appears that I'm a little more broken than I thought I was.
I just don't want my issues to ruin what we have started. I don't want to throw away this relationship because I'm scared... I want to work through it and trust him and trust myself to know what I'm doing. I love where we are at - and he has all of the things I've prayed for in a partner... but I'm afraid to open up and show him this side of my heart. The part that is broken and scared and unsure...
Rough night. Rough week. But it'll get better... it always does, right?
but first - we need to talk about my mental block.
Sometimes, I look over at the Pilot and think... I am doing something SO wrong here. Let me assure you, this has nothing to do with him - this is all something that is going on in my head, and I can't seem to get ahold of it and work it out completely yet. I have spent the last 13+ years knowing that my hands belonged on ONE person only... and now suddenly, that person is someone else... and my brain can't seem to catch up to the new situation. It still seems to think that I'm cheating on my husband and I actually have moments where I feel guilty about what is happening. Guilty that I'm happy... guilty that I'm being taken care of... guilty that my hands are on someone else.
Not one single part of me want to reconcile with xH. But somehow... I just can't quite wrap my head around being with someone else. It was all fun and games, and no big deal to move on... until things started getting serious. Now, my head is talking crazy to me - reminding me that I thought things were perfect the first time around... and they weren't. I thought xH was the one for me... and he wasn't. I thought I'd never get divorced... but I did. I'm terrified that I won't do it right the next time. I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake and I'll drag my kids into it... and his, too. I'm terrified to start and I'm terrified to stop - because I think this issue is ALL in my head... nothing to do with the Pilot at all. I'm just so scared because he SEES it all - the house, the minivan, the wedding, the babies... and in between flashes of that future, I see failure and hurt and what-ifs.
It appears that I'm a little more broken than I thought I was.
I just don't want my issues to ruin what we have started. I don't want to throw away this relationship because I'm scared... I want to work through it and trust him and trust myself to know what I'm doing. I love where we are at - and he has all of the things I've prayed for in a partner... but I'm afraid to open up and show him this side of my heart. The part that is broken and scared and unsure...
Rough night. Rough week. But it'll get better... it always does, right?
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Going to Church
The Pilot and I think we are SO smart. We both had our kids this weekend, and since we (I) wasn't quite ready for them to meet him, we decided to outsmart the system. We would go to church, drop the kids off at Sunday School, then meet up and hold hands all service long. Genius, right?
Well, God must have found our plans to be totally hilarious, because after we sneakily dropped off our kids, and held hands all service long, we thought we were golden! A whole hour together, in the middle of a kids-weekend! We thought we were totally in the clear until I picked Carter up and he BEGGED to go play at the playground. What mom says no to that? Not me! I let him run off and play while I went in the next classroom to collect Charlie from his class. When I got back out there, The Pilot's son was BEGGING him to play on the playground too... and so... the boys proclaimed their new best-friendness and played for the next 45 minutes on the playground. Luckily I had Charlie to chase after, and there were lots of other parents and kids, so it was easy to keep our distance... until...
The boys started BEGGING for a playdate. Not just a playdate "someday" - but a play date RIGHT NOW. I have never ever ever seen such persistence by 6 and 7 year old boys about getting to play together immediately. So, like any good parents - we totally caved in. We scheduled a playdate for lunchtime... and it ended up lasting until 7pm - including playtime at our house with all four kids, a trip to Target (still with all four kiddos - boy were we a sight!) and a BBQ at their house. It was ALL kinds of amazing. The boys loved being with each other... which says a lot because my little man can be a little difficult with friends. His daughter is in love with "baby" Charlie, and they colored together for hours. And the Pilot? Well, we took turns playing with the kids, cooking, and cleaning up messes... and stealing kisses every time the kids ran out of the room. It was perfect. And crazy. And I want to do this again...
Well, God must have found our plans to be totally hilarious, because after we sneakily dropped off our kids, and held hands all service long, we thought we were golden! A whole hour together, in the middle of a kids-weekend! We thought we were totally in the clear until I picked Carter up and he BEGGED to go play at the playground. What mom says no to that? Not me! I let him run off and play while I went in the next classroom to collect Charlie from his class. When I got back out there, The Pilot's son was BEGGING him to play on the playground too... and so... the boys proclaimed their new best-friendness and played for the next 45 minutes on the playground. Luckily I had Charlie to chase after, and there were lots of other parents and kids, so it was easy to keep our distance... until...
The boys started BEGGING for a playdate. Not just a playdate "someday" - but a play date RIGHT NOW. I have never ever ever seen such persistence by 6 and 7 year old boys about getting to play together immediately. So, like any good parents - we totally caved in. We scheduled a playdate for lunchtime... and it ended up lasting until 7pm - including playtime at our house with all four kids, a trip to Target (still with all four kiddos - boy were we a sight!) and a BBQ at their house. It was ALL kinds of amazing. The boys loved being with each other... which says a lot because my little man can be a little difficult with friends. His daughter is in love with "baby" Charlie, and they colored together for hours. And the Pilot? Well, we took turns playing with the kids, cooking, and cleaning up messes... and stealing kisses every time the kids ran out of the room. It was perfect. And crazy. And I want to do this again...
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Let's Play Catch Up.
It has been a few weeks since I've updated. Since I'm no longer being courted by multiple men (boy, was that awesome!), the blog posts are definitely morphing a bit... getting a little bit more thoughtful and deeper, but hopefully they'll still entertain a bit!
Let's rewind to the week before Christmas. The Pilot flew me to Orange County, which nicely broke up his 14 day work trip - and while I was there, he dropped the big one --- I. Love. You. Oh my gosh. Seriously?! I knew he was falling hard... and I knew that he didn't actually intend on starting something serious, but he sure got there quickly. When we had our first couple of conversations in November, we were both very clear about not wanting a serious relationship and he also said he wasn't interested in having more children. Hmmm... interesting. Then, in the span of a couple of weeks, the guy who said he didn't like to talk on the phone and didn't want a relationship was suddenly calling me every night - and talking for hours - and was spouting "I love yous" left and right. I was a bit overwhelmed, but was definitely feeling... something. Whenever I didn't hear from him (even for a couple of hours), I missed him... heart leaping when I saw his name on my phone... wanting to end the fabulously fun game of dating multiple men... wanting to see what was next for us.
Sooo... after a week of thinking, and thinking, and TOO MUCH thinking... I finally realized that I was falling pretty hard too. We spent Christmas Eve together... cuddled up, making grilled cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night... opening presents... just laying in bed for hours, listening to music (of course, a ridiculously romantic playlist that he made for me)... and then, Christmas morning, out of my mouth slipped something major. My heart was nearly bursting over this guy - and I had to tell him... I loved him back.
Since Christmas, we have kept up our quick-paced relationship... I met his parents (they are sweet and wonderful people), his coworkers (we flew back to the OC for a day of shopping and lunch, so he could take a quick 2-hour training class), and his kids. I MET HIS KIDS. Whoa. It was nerve-wracking and absolutely wonderful all at the same time. He has a boy and a girl, 7 and 5... and they are absolutely precious. I can't wait to see more of them and see how our lives might fit together. He hasn't met my boys yet, as I just don't think it is a good idea before the divorce is final. Could February come sooner?
He is very clear about where his head is at - he wants to get married and have a baby (or two), get a bigger house (can't fit 4-6 kids in either of our tiny little post-divorce places!), and a mini-van. Yes. He actually said he wants to trade his little sports car in for a minivan and have babies with me. I told you - he is crystal clear about his intentions. He has also kept up the incredible romantic and thoughtful gestures... he noticed I needed batteries - so he brought me some. He heard me complain about the hot water, so he went out and adjusted the water heater. He heard the dryer buzz, late at night while I was getting ready for bed, so he folded the load of sheets before he came back into the room. He had a whole day to waste in Vegas while he was working, so he stopped by Victoria's Secret and brought me back a whole bag full of beautiful things. He takes my trash out, does the dishes, and makes my bed EVERY time he comes over. He is amazing. Sweet. Thoughtful. Spiritual. Soooo many things that I have longed for for so many years.
I always feel like there is a "but" though... it is never about him... but just about the situation. I am afraid about how it'll look if I'm suddenly in a serious relationship the second my divorce is final. I worry that I am falling too fast and moving too quickly, but I don't actually have any idea how to change the pace (or even if I want to). I am a little wrapped up in the fact that he's not my "type"... I always go for tall, bigger, classically handsome kind of guys who know the difference between Banana Republic and J. Crew and own just as many hair products as I do. This guy is average height, a little on the thin side, cute but not WHOA. HOT. like some of the other guys I've gone out with (or was married to). His teeth need to be whitened. He has a crazy concave chest thing going on. He's not physically what I pictured in my head. That isn't to say that I'm not attracted to him... I really am. I am totally and completely turned on every time he's around me. It is just so different that what I'm used to, and I've needed to adjust a little bit. Let's be honest though - looks are important - but only to a point. The thoughtful and kind things he does, the words he says, the love he shares with me... WAY more important. My head is just taking a little time to catch up to my heart... and get over the picture of what I used to have.
I am so excited about the next couple of weeks - he's taking me on a getaway for my birthday (not sure where), and we're going out to dinner with his parents... so much to look forward to. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up inside my head and just let things progress as they will... but there is just so much more to think about when 4 kids are involved. I don't want anyone to get hurt if this ends up not working out... it is all so tricky.
Hopefully I'll have another update sooner than later!
Let's rewind to the week before Christmas. The Pilot flew me to Orange County, which nicely broke up his 14 day work trip - and while I was there, he dropped the big one --- I. Love. You. Oh my gosh. Seriously?! I knew he was falling hard... and I knew that he didn't actually intend on starting something serious, but he sure got there quickly. When we had our first couple of conversations in November, we were both very clear about not wanting a serious relationship and he also said he wasn't interested in having more children. Hmmm... interesting. Then, in the span of a couple of weeks, the guy who said he didn't like to talk on the phone and didn't want a relationship was suddenly calling me every night - and talking for hours - and was spouting "I love yous" left and right. I was a bit overwhelmed, but was definitely feeling... something. Whenever I didn't hear from him (even for a couple of hours), I missed him... heart leaping when I saw his name on my phone... wanting to end the fabulously fun game of dating multiple men... wanting to see what was next for us.
Sooo... after a week of thinking, and thinking, and TOO MUCH thinking... I finally realized that I was falling pretty hard too. We spent Christmas Eve together... cuddled up, making grilled cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night... opening presents... just laying in bed for hours, listening to music (of course, a ridiculously romantic playlist that he made for me)... and then, Christmas morning, out of my mouth slipped something major. My heart was nearly bursting over this guy - and I had to tell him... I loved him back.
Since Christmas, we have kept up our quick-paced relationship... I met his parents (they are sweet and wonderful people), his coworkers (we flew back to the OC for a day of shopping and lunch, so he could take a quick 2-hour training class), and his kids. I MET HIS KIDS. Whoa. It was nerve-wracking and absolutely wonderful all at the same time. He has a boy and a girl, 7 and 5... and they are absolutely precious. I can't wait to see more of them and see how our lives might fit together. He hasn't met my boys yet, as I just don't think it is a good idea before the divorce is final. Could February come sooner?
He is very clear about where his head is at - he wants to get married and have a baby (or two), get a bigger house (can't fit 4-6 kids in either of our tiny little post-divorce places!), and a mini-van. Yes. He actually said he wants to trade his little sports car in for a minivan and have babies with me. I told you - he is crystal clear about his intentions. He has also kept up the incredible romantic and thoughtful gestures... he noticed I needed batteries - so he brought me some. He heard me complain about the hot water, so he went out and adjusted the water heater. He heard the dryer buzz, late at night while I was getting ready for bed, so he folded the load of sheets before he came back into the room. He had a whole day to waste in Vegas while he was working, so he stopped by Victoria's Secret and brought me back a whole bag full of beautiful things. He takes my trash out, does the dishes, and makes my bed EVERY time he comes over. He is amazing. Sweet. Thoughtful. Spiritual. Soooo many things that I have longed for for so many years.
I always feel like there is a "but" though... it is never about him... but just about the situation. I am afraid about how it'll look if I'm suddenly in a serious relationship the second my divorce is final. I worry that I am falling too fast and moving too quickly, but I don't actually have any idea how to change the pace (or even if I want to). I am a little wrapped up in the fact that he's not my "type"... I always go for tall, bigger, classically handsome kind of guys who know the difference between Banana Republic and J. Crew and own just as many hair products as I do. This guy is average height, a little on the thin side, cute but not WHOA. HOT. like some of the other guys I've gone out with (or was married to). His teeth need to be whitened. He has a crazy concave chest thing going on. He's not physically what I pictured in my head. That isn't to say that I'm not attracted to him... I really am. I am totally and completely turned on every time he's around me. It is just so different that what I'm used to, and I've needed to adjust a little bit. Let's be honest though - looks are important - but only to a point. The thoughtful and kind things he does, the words he says, the love he shares with me... WAY more important. My head is just taking a little time to catch up to my heart... and get over the picture of what I used to have.
I am so excited about the next couple of weeks - he's taking me on a getaway for my birthday (not sure where), and we're going out to dinner with his parents... so much to look forward to. I'm trying not to get too wrapped up inside my head and just let things progress as they will... but there is just so much more to think about when 4 kids are involved. I don't want anyone to get hurt if this ends up not working out... it is all so tricky.
Hopefully I'll have another update sooner than later!
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