Guilty.

I have a few posts to write about how absolutely perfect and wonderful everything is...

but first - we need to talk about my mental block.

Sometimes, I look over at the Pilot and think... I am doing something SO wrong here.  Let me assure you, this has nothing to do with him - this is all something that is going on in my head, and I can't seem to get ahold of it and work it out completely yet.  I have spent the last 13+ years knowing that my hands belonged on ONE person only... and now suddenly, that person is someone else... and my brain can't seem to catch up to the new situation.  It still seems to think that I'm cheating on my husband and I actually have moments where I feel guilty about what is happening.  Guilty that I'm happy... guilty that I'm being taken care of... guilty that my hands are on someone else.

Not one single part of me want to reconcile with xH.  But somehow... I just can't quite wrap my head around being with someone else.  It was all fun and games, and no big deal to move on... until things started getting serious.  Now, my head is talking crazy to me - reminding me that I thought things were perfect the first time around... and they weren't.  I thought xH was the one for me... and he wasn't.  I thought I'd never get divorced... but I did. I'm terrified that I won't do it right the next time.  I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake and I'll drag my kids into it... and his, too.  I'm terrified to start and I'm terrified to stop - because I think this issue is ALL in my head... nothing to do with the Pilot at all.  I'm just so scared because he SEES it all - the house, the minivan, the wedding, the babies... and in between flashes of that future, I see failure and hurt and what-ifs.

It appears that I'm a little more broken than I thought I was.

I just don't want my issues to ruin what we have started.  I don't want to throw away this relationship because I'm scared... I want to work through it and trust him and trust myself to know what I'm doing.  I love where we are at - and he has all of the things I've prayed for in a partner... but I'm afraid to open up and show him this side of my heart.  The part that is broken and scared and unsure...

Rough night.  Rough week.  But it'll get better... it always does, right?