Married!

The Pilot and I got married.  Surrounded by only our very closest family and just one super-duper close friend... our four beautiful children... hilarious nephews... our siblings... it was perfect.

The kids all spent the night elsewhere on our wedding eve.  We skipped the formality of a rehearsal and just opted to go out to dinner with my sister and her husband instead.  Even though my sister and I are almost 8 years apart, we have grown quite close over the past decade.  She married a wonderful man last year, and I love when they are in town to visit.  We had a couple of drinks, and stayed up late playing board games.  The Pilot and I had a great night's rest - it is amazing how we can sleep when there aren't children waking up to go potty or to start their day at 5am!

Once we rolled out of bed, we made coffee and exchanged cards.  These cards contained our personal vows to each other.  There is nothing that stirs my heart quite like seeing the contents of his heart spilled out on the page... that sweet, glitter-filled, wedding card is something that I will re-read often.  We got ready, packed up the car, and headed to his parents' house for the big event!

When we got there, my mom was working busily in the kitchen.  She prepared a huge brunch spread for us, the kids, and our 13 guests.  Bacon, quiche, French toast, donut/fruit kabobs, mimosas, and more!  Unfortunately, I ate very little... I got up to take pictures, and someone cleared my plate away!  Thankfully, I did get a good taste of our delicious wedding cake.  We had our absolute favorite: Lemon Coconut from Nordstrom's cafe.  Did you know that they'll sell you the whole cake?!  So good!  And easy to get more on every anniversary!

After the wedding, we piled back in the car and made our way toward Las Vegas.  I had never been as an adult (my one and only trip was as a 16 year old on a choir trip!), and I was ready to have some fun! We had an absolute blast.  Whether it was sitting at a blackjack table, watching a show, eating some of the best meals of my life, or just watching endless tv in bed... it was just what I needed.  Quiet time to just revel in the newness of our marriage... to try out our new "husband" and "wife" names... to be totally uninterrupted by little voices... to just do whatever we wanted to do - together.

We only took a couple of photos, but here they are!

I'm Planning a Wedding.

Oh yeah.  I'm totally planning a wedding.

It is actually coming up super fast - whose idea was it to get married so soon?! Oh wait, that was me ;)  I'm so thankful that it is going to be such a low-key, laid-back wedding.  Of course, I still have details to attend to, but when there are less than 20 guests, the stress level goes WAY down!

Wedding planning got off to a terrible start, to be perfectly honest.  Shaun and I had exactly what we wanted in our heads - very small, no attendants, and being married by his best friend.  Wellllll... thanks to our parents and siblings and their ridiculously busy schedules, we were told that 90% of the dates that we were looking at wouldn't work.  Since having our parents present seemed like the right thing to do, we had to work within those parameters.  Unfortunately, this forced us to exclude someone else VERY important: Shaun's best friend.  We are both heart broken about it - and especially due to the pressure that was put on us to include other family members at her expense.  Making our families happy isn't easy... and I'm not sure we really should have given in to their pressure, but we did... Now his did will be officiating the wedding.  Shaun's dad is in seminary, and I know he will do a wonderful job... but I'm so sad for Shaun that his closest friend won't be with us on such a special day.  I guess we'll just have to plan a trip to go visit her in Denver instead!

We are getting married in the morning, in his parents' backyard.  It is going to be miserably hot, so we'll only be outside for the brief ceremony - 20 minutes tops!  The guests will be seated under the covered patio, and Shaun and I will be under the chuppah that his dad is building for me (thank you Pinterest for making me obsessed with them!).  Here are the pictures that I gave his dad to work from: I can't wait to see how it actually turns out!

We are going to have fairly traditional vows read at the ceremony, but we are both writing our own vows to give to each other privately... I actually already have mine written!  Not bad for a terrible procrastinator like me!

After the ceremony, we'll head back inside to the air-conditioning and celebrate with brunch.  The menu isn't set in stone yet, but I do have a few Pinterest recipe ideas picked out.  I can't wait!  

Berries and Donut Holes - yes please!

Mimosa Bar

We are dressing fairly casually: I fell in love with this dress in March... and knew immediately that I wanted to get married in it.  The only problem was, I wasn't engaged and I thought it was silly to buy it without a ring on my finger.  Shaun was with me... and he loved it too - so he bought it for me.  After awhile, he asked why I hadn't worn it yet and I had to explain that I was saving it for "something special".  When I saw this bouquet on Etsy, I knew I had to have it! I love that it is made out of wood, but yet so delicate.  I also ordered a matching kissing ball for A to carry down the aisle.  The bouquet made the choice of "colors" for me - peach looks so pretty with the pale blue!

My dress - from Anthropologie

My Bouquet - handmade out of sola wood - purchased on Etsy

A's Dress

After the wedding, we are headed straight to the airport.  We'll be flying to Fort Lauderdale and then boarding a cruise ship for the Eastern Caribbean that leaves the next morning.  I can't wait to be all alone with my new husband for 7 whole days - no kids!  I can't wait to eat and drink to our heart's content, explore the ports, and lounge around with no plans.  Ahhhh... honeymoon here we come!

Busy Summer

It is funny that at the end of each school year, I think that I'm going to have SO much time during the summer.  I'll cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner every night!  I'll complete a daily Pinterest project!  I'll do my taxes, my nails, and feed the homeless... all before 9am each day.  Except, somehow the summer manages to get filled about with a million things that make it absolutely fly by.  Which, I suppose is totally okay by me... even if it means that my pinterest projects are still going largely unmade.

This summer started off with a bang! Disneyland!  It was my first time bringing the boys to Disneyland, and I was a little bit nervous.  Those lines are looooong and I have an almost 2-year old and a 7 year old with ADHD.  Great combo, right??  Thank goodness for Disneyland's parent swap pass.  Shaun and I were able to take turns waiting in line with Carter, while the other one entertained Charlie or took him on one of the kiddie rides.  Then, once Carter had gotten through the line once, he got to fast forward back to the front right away so the other adult could ride with him.  Genius!  And quite a reward for making it through the long waits.  We had really hoped that we would be able to have ALL the kids at Disneyland for both days, but we ended up only getting M and A for a few hours on one of the days.  Such a bummer to know that they were somewhere nearby with their mom, but that we couldn't have them with us!  We had such a good time though, and I loved getting to introduce Shaun to a lot of my extended family that lives in Southern California.  I can't wait to go back!

After our Disneyland trip, I took the boys out to Kansas City and Omaha.  It was nice to visit my sister and a good friend.  We made the best of rainy weather and went to the amazing Omaha Zoo, a working farm in KC, indoor playscapes, and more!  Very nice to get out of the heat, and the boys loved seeing their Aunt and Uncle and friends.

Once we returned home, we hung out for a week before taking off again!  We went with my mom back to Southern California for a family wedding.  It was a short, but fun trip, and I think the boys were SO happy to be back to playing outside.  I just love the weather in the OC!  If it wasn't for the traffic (and $), I'd move there in a second!

We attempted to go to a nearby mountain town (about 20 degrees cooler than Phoenix!) for the 4th of July, but Charlie got sick and we had to make the 4 hour drive back home after just 15 hours there.  He has a yucky upper respiratory infection and needed breathing treatments.  So thankful that the doctor was able to squeeze us in right away!  He's being such a good boy, tolerating his breathing treatments as well as he can, and still trying to keep up with all the other kids in the house.  Lucky Carter got to stay at the cabin with Grandma and Granddad, and enjoyed lots of extra attention though!

In between all of these trips, we've been moving things from my house to Shaun's house.  He's been building shelves in all the closets, trying to accommodate all of our things... and we'll be stuffing the attic full of all the Christmas things.  We are fitting surprisingly well into this tiny place, and anticipate staying here for a couple of years.  Now that we are getting everything in order and organized, it is working out great!

It is hard to believe that there are less than 4 weeks before I return to school, and the kids start back soon after that.  We are SO happy that the 3 older kids will be able to attend the same school this year.  The thought of having the kids across town from each other really seemed overwhelming, and I'm so thankful that it worked out to keep them together.  Of course the big boys will have different teachers (no WAY should they be together all day every day!), but it'll be so nice for them to already have friends at their new school (plus a couple cousins!).  They made it off of an extensive waitlist into one of the best charter schools in the area.  I'm a huge proponent of public schools, teach at a wonderful private school, and am sending my kids to a charter school - it just goes to show that there is a perfect school out there for everyone!  We're so excited to see what this year has in store for them.

At Aunt Kiki and Uncle Scott's house in Kansas City

Visiting Grandma Jan and Grandpa Larry

Grandma Jan's beautiful garden!

Disney fun

Too tired to walk!

Engaged.

Mother's Day... what a perfect day for such a huge life changing moment.  We had a big sleepover last night with all the kids (The Pilot sleeps on the couch, just so we're clear!), and I awoke this morning to coffee made, a sweet card, and a box of chocolates.  Now, since the last couple of Mother's Days have come and gone nearly completely ignored... just these small gestures were absolutely huge to me.  What speaks even bigger about the kind of man he is though is that he also made sure he had secured cards and a gift for his ex-wife for the kids to give.  Seriously amazing.  Even after all that she put him through, he still makes certain that the kids show up on Mother's Day with proper gifts for her... my ex didn't even remember to tell me Happy Mother's Day!

His kids left in the morning for their mom's house, and The Pilot came with me to my parents' house for brunch.  We had a great time, and left to drop my boys off with their dad for a few hours to see their other grandma.  With a few child-less hours all to ourselves, The Pilot said he wanted to bring me to a special spot... somewhere that he has spent many, many hours... thinking, crying, praying, contemplating... I was a little bit stumped.  A mountaintop? A park bench? Hmmm...

I'm sure it is probably more than obvious to everyone but me:  he drove to the airport.  He turned into the parking garage and went up, up, up... all the way to the top of the 9th story.  We had a view of the whole city.  We watched planes take off and land... marveled at the beauty of the mountains and God's creation.  I loved that he took me to his special, solitary spot.  He handed me a card... the most beautiful words I've ever read... and then, he asked.  Of course, I said yes.  I would've been crazy not to.

We have talked about a potential wedding a number of times... where/when - all of those details.  So, he took me to brunch at a place where we talked about hosting a brunch reception.  While we were there, we chatted with their catering manager about their private room, and in a matter of 10 minutes had the date booked and the menu picked.  Talk about fast-tracking the planning!  We stopped by his parents' house to share our good news, and they offered to host the ceremony in their backyard.  Perfect!

We are keeping the wedding extremely small - only 20 invited, including our 4 children.  Our parents, siblings, grandparents, and very best friends.  The people closest to us that we know will continue to support us through the years to come.  We are so excited to begin this chapter of our lives together... and can't WAIT until August 31st.

So Good

Life has been so good.

The Pilot and I have been communicating so well... I've told him when things are stressing me out with his ex, and he has completely understood. His understanding in every situation never ceases to amaze me. He truly thinks about what my heart needs and makes it happen... no easy feat.

We've gone to our church's couples dinner two months in a row now. It is so amazing to me that he makes it such a priority to build our relationship purposefully. Seeking God's will and making our relationship keep Him at the center - something I've always wanted to be able to do.  Holding his hand, snuggling up close, sharing our secrets... It all feels so right.

I'm so blessed to have found him... he is everything I've ever wanted and even more.  Cliché but so true. 

Stress.

It is SO hard to date someone with an ex-wife.  SO hard.  The Pilot can go from happy and upbeat to angry and resentful in a nano-second... all because of an email or text from her (not directed at me, obviously... but I sure see a different side of him).  I get it: she cheated on him... they had a lousy marriage even besides that... they are struggling to make decisions amicably.  It is hard on him.

...and yet, somehow all I can think about is... Can I really do this?  Can I sign up for years and years of interactions and huge amounts of stress brought on by this women and his reactions to her?

I feel like I'm being really selfish and that I should be more understanding... but it is HARD.  I have minor issues with my ex.  We bicker about little things and schedule changes... but I trust him with our kids and his new girlfriend doesn't bother me.  He doesn't cause me nearly the anguish that the Pilot seems to get from his ex.

I need a little space from this ex issue... but it is here, every. single. day.  So hopeful that it starts to fade away as things get worked out between them.

March: Part Two

Well, now that we are past the OMG part... here's the rest of the month :)

Ahhhh.... Spring Break!  Obviously, as a teacher, I make crap money.  BUT the perks more than make up for it (don't tell my principal because I'm still totally asking for a raise!).  I love love love having so much time off - Fall, Christmas, Spring, Summer breaks... I actually only work 179 days a year.  That is awesome.

I'm also lucky that my boys and The Pilot's kids have the same school schedule as well, so we booked a little family getaway about 3 hours away in the mountains.  If you've never used it, definitely check out vrbo.com - for the price of a single hotel room, we got an amazing 3 bedroom cabin in a gated community.  We brought up bikes and balls and lots of fun Easter activities.  The kids were in heaven!  We dyed eggs, had egg hunts, played with balloons, and rode around the neighborhood forever.  The two older boys played outside nearly the whole trip.  Their favorite activity was using a chain they found to break up a huge chunk of ice that was leftover from the last snow.  Hilarious.  You can tell these boys are from Phoenix - they were so excited by even the slightest vision of "snow".  The only thing that I didn't like was the whole sleeping-in-seperate-rooms thing.  Ugh.  I know that we are doing the right thing for our family by making sure our kids understand that we aren't sharing a bed until we are married... but it is SO hard to have The Pilot set his alarm for 2am so he can move to another room. You know what was amazing though?  Charlie had a hard time adjusting to sleeping in the pack and play, and The Pilot took care of him 3 out of the 4 nights without even waking me up... and still got up and made all 6 of us breakfast (and NEVER forgot to have a coffee in my hand the second I came downstairs).  He is a saint.  Don't worry - I took care of him too... I made lunches and dinners, and took care of all the Easter basket stuff.  And boy! Easter baskets sure get expensive when you suddenly have 4 kids!  We make a pretty good little team :)

The kids got along for the most part.  There were occasional issues - usually arising from them having too much fun and being too loud!  Also, 6 and 7 year old boys seriously love potty talk... ugh! So gross!  I'm so thankful we have two littler ones that don't cause our blood pressure to rise just yet.

When we got back to Phoenix after our trip we dropped the kids off with their other parents (of course, I had my boys an extra day because their dad was mad at me and told me to keep them an extra night because he knew I had plans.  LAME).  Once we were childless, we spent Saturday eating a some of my favorite places that I've wanted to take him, hanging out at a coffee house that I love, taking an 2-hour nap, and going out to see a movie.  We also went to church at MY church for the first time.  Up until this point, we've been going to a "neutral" church because our relationship was so new that we didn't think it was the right time to bring someone new into our church... but apparently we've passed that point.  It felt SO good to be back at my home church!

Sadly, Easter morning started with a trip to urgent care.  Apparently The Pilot is the EXACT opposite of my xH.  He had been struggling with a sinus headache for about a week, but never mentioned it... until it was so bad that he *had* to get antibiotics.  He had a double ear infection on top of it! So, we spent Sunday at home on the couch, catching up on Grey's Anatomy and The New Girl episodes.  His parents came over for dinner, but didn't stay long because he felt so bad.  Now I'm fighting a yucky bug too - but mine seems to be passing much more quickly and without  a trip to the doctor, thank goodness!

I'm so glad to have him here until Saturday morning... 14 whole days without him flying!  It has been really nice to have such a solid stretch of time together.  Makes me see much more clearly what "real life" would be like with him...

March: Part One

Things have been going SO well.  We've had some bumps along the road but not with each other.  We have both had some seriously stressful interactions with our ex-spouses, and it was nice to see how we were able to support each other and help each other through some tough stuff.  On that note, my divorce is finally final! Whooo! It is such a good feeling to have that be complete and all of the parenting plan details written in stone (xH loves to try and adjust it every freaking month!)

The Pilot had a couple of longer trips this month - 7-9 days away from home.  It is such a strange thing: I actually enjoy having that little bit of space and time to myself with the boys... but I miss him so much at the same time.  It really makes seeing him after a long trip awesome!

Last weekend, he was supposed to be home on Saturday night, but instead his plane actually was scheduled to land in Phoenix (that almost never happens - he usually has to land in another city and take a flight home).  He got in at 9am, which meant we got to spend the entire day together, unexpectedly.  He came with me to breakfast with a friend that I had visiting, then we went out shopping.  Yeah, shopping - he actually doesn't mind walking around a mall, carrying my bags, and watching me try things on (who would mind that? lol).  Then... he told me that he wanted to shop one more place... and drove me to a jewelry store.  We've talked a little bit about rings and even looked at some shops in the mall before, but this was serious.  He was totally hunting through the cases, searching for some exact replica of something he had already imagined in his head.  And after trying on a half-dozen things that neither of us really loved, he called out, "I found it!" ... and it is GORGEOUS. Sooooo... I'm not sure when exactly this whole thing is going to actually happen, but it sure looks like forever is definitely on the table now.  I have been praying and thinking and over-analyzing all of this for months now - and I feel really good about it.  He treats me better than I've EVER been treated... he understands what I need in a relationship to feel loved, and puts in tremendous effort to meet those needs... he's so forthcoming with his own wants and needs that it makes it easy for me to know where we are at and how to love him best.  I've never imagined a relationship being this easy.

Of course, we aren't on the same page about everything - we keep our talk about politics to a minimum, but still are close enough that I don't want to run screaming in the other direction!  We differ greatly on the amount of sugar we think kids can consume... but I can already see that he's adjusting so we can meet in the middle on that.  If our biggest issues are immigration policies and the amount of donuts allowed at breakfast, I think we'll be okay :)

Valentine's Day

What on earth did I do to deserve this kind of guy?  I am constantly swept off my feet... over and over again surprised by his thoughtfulness and affection.  Valentine's Day was no exception.

The Pilot brought his kids over for a Valentine's Eve sleepover - they played and played with Carter and Charlie, then all of the kiddos were tucked into bed and the work began!  The Pilot finished putting Carter's valentines together for his class (without me even asking him to!), while I started prepping for breakfast.  I made mini heart-shaped ham, cheese, and hashbrown quiches and baked a package of bacon into little heart shapes.  Adorable!  Pilot sliced strawberries and cleaned up all of my kitchen messes, so we could actually get to bed at a reasonable hour.  

The morning was absolutely fabulous.  Even though I had to get out the door by 7am, we had a fun little Valentine's Day morning with the kiddos - they opened their little gifts (pencils, erasers, etc) and I was handed a tiny little red box.  The Pilot smiled at me, and told me not to worry - the gift was "non-binding".  He must've been worried I'd think it was a ring!  It was the smallest, most delicate little cross necklace.  His daughter (she's 5) told me that she helped him pick it out.  Awww.

Then, during the school day, a beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived for me.  I LOVE getting flowers!  I had 11 years of marriage and two years of dating, and I never had flowers sent to me.  It is simultaneously embarrassing and fabulous all at the same time - this was the third time he's sent them... and it made me just as giddy and happy every time.

After school, I went home, put on my little red dress, curled my hair, and waited to be picked up by my Pilot.  He took me to the most amazing restaurant... reservations he made weeks ago to a place I've wanted to go to for years.  It was absolutely incredibly - 7 courses and an incredibly strong drink.  Between courses of scallops, frog legs, and squid, we had 3 amazing hours of pure happiness.  Just wonderful conversation, a total escape from any thought of the clock, and completely immersed in each other.

The best Valentine's day I've ever had.  I totally love this guy.

Us.

Us. awww.

Working Through the Kinks...

Poor Pilot.  I had no idea how much the conversation I started was going to mess with his head.  In retrospect, I totally understand, but somehow at the time I thought that I could just tell him my issues, have things change magically and quickly, and not have him be stressed about it at all.  Well, he has definitely been wonderful and sweet about this the entire time... but two days after our big "talk", he got back into town again and came over.  I was so excited to see him... I felt like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I wasn't feeling the crazy pressure of a "forever" relationship anymore.  We had been kissing for just a couple minutes, and he suddenly broke away and said that we had to talk.  My heart dropped to the floor.  I swear, I nearly had a panic attack right then.

He actually grabbed his phone, and handed it to me... he had typed me a letter while he was away working, but didn't want to email it to me because it was something I should read with him there - so I didn't have to deal with it alone.  Here it is:

We need to talk when I get home... I love you!  I understand what you are going through.  I expected you to get freaked out.  As time passed and we kept talking about our future I got more and more comfortable that this was a forever deal.  What I didn't expect was how much it would hurt me to have you put the brakes on our relationship and now the battle for me not to pull away... I've loved twice.  Tracey, you know how that ended, and you.  I love you deeper than I've ever loved before.  What I need to know:

What did I do to give you doubts about our future?  What can I work on or be better at?   How do I need to love you?  The same?  Do I need to do something more or something different?  I fell in love with you so deeply and now I feel like I'm failing again...

What is your expectation regarding our calendar, reading together, praying together, things we talked about so openly and frequently in the past.  Things like timeframe, rings, houses, mini vans, #5 etc?

Slowing our timeframe is fine.  If we don't have a timeframe anymore than I have to try as transparently as possible  to distance myself from your kids and you from mine.  The thought of which is killing me.  If that is necessary, then what are we doing about spring break?  

I just need some clarification As to our relationship status... Were we really on that different of pages?
Maybe I'm freaking out unnecessarily?

Laura I love you, but I hurt, I feel like our relationship has been knocked down 1000 steps.  I can't even listen to "our" playlist without getting emotional (and I'm not an emotional guy)...

I actually hurt just rereading this.  I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say or how to react... but I did my best to assure him that I am still the same girl, with the same feelings... I just can't handle the constant talk about "forever" and all that comes with it.  Not right now.  I think it was really hard for him to believe that that is all it was... he felt like he was doing something wrong, or that something could be fixed somehow.  All I need is time - and I told him that.  It was another long, restless night of sleep for us both... but we continued talking about things the next day and really got on the same page.

Things have gotten better and better every day since.  I can't tell you how many times since then I've thought to myself, I really could love this guy forever.  I'm not really to latch onto that thought permanently just yet... but I like thinking about it.  

And, just to make himself seem even more amazing - he sent me flowers at school on Friday (2nd time!).  I love getting flowers!  We also had a fabulous double date with my friend and her husband... it was their first time meeting him, and I got an overwhelmingly positive response from them both.  Then, I somehow managed to get food poisoning on Saturday night... and he stayed up with me, getting me washcloths, grabbing toothpaste for me, draping a sweatshirt around my shoulders in between rounds throwing up... followed by an entire day of me tucked into bed, being brought tea, toast, and crackers.  I was sleeping at his house, and totally asleep by 7, so he drove to my house, picked out clothes for me to wear to work, ironed them, did my dishes and folded my laundry while he was there, and came back home to his house.  Oh yeah, and then brought me lunch today at work.  OH! And then he picked DS1 up at xH's house (xH was home sick and wasn't up to watching DS1), watched him for the afternoon, ran errands with him, picked up his own kids, went back to my house with them all and cooked dinner for us all.  Seriously.  I'm pretty sure I can't think of a single thing more he could've fit into his day.  He is such a good, sweet, giving man.  I'm so glad things are going well... and getting better every day.

Struggling

I've definitely had some internal struggles thus far in my relationship with The Pilot.  I've talked about many of them on the blog, and they basically boil down to one main thing - I am NOT ready to settle down again.  I need our relationship to be about the here and now, and not about next year and forever.  Is it possible for this to turn into a forever thing? Yes, it is.  But I don't want to talk about it now.  I don't want to hear about the "someday" when we live together... or the "someday" when we have more kids - together.  I am overwhelmed at the even the slightest idea of getting married again and I definitely don't want to talk about pretty, shiny engagement rings right now.

He does.

He wants to talk about all of those things, and is perfectly ready to jump head first into a new life together.  He's had more time out of his last relationship that I have, and definitely doesn't have the same hang-ups that I'm dealing with.

I've been trying to work through these issues on my own. Trying to sort things out in my head, talk myself out of being worried and concerned.  No such luck.  It was making me crazy and I started to freak out a tiny little bit.  Finally, after a couple of conversations with good friends, I realized that I HAD to talk to him about it.  As my sweet friend pointed out, relationships need to have open communication... if I can't talk to him about this, or if he responds badly to it, then he really isn't the right guy.

So, last night, he ended up back in town unexpectedly, and I knew I had to get the words out.  I was ridiculously weird during dinner... I blamed it on being hungry and tired, but I honestly was just nervous and freaking out about the impending conversation.  I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  We went back to my house, spent time together, and finally... while the lights were out and we were about to go to sleep, I finally got the courage to have the difficult conversation.  Why is it that hard conversations are so much easier for me in the dark?  I feel like if someone can't really see me, that it is easier to say what I'm thinking.  Ridiculous logic, but whatever.

I told him that I had been struggling to overcome my worries about how fast we've been moving - how my xHusband and I also moved very quickly, and that I didn't want to repeat the same mistake. I talked a little bit about how my heart is still a little bit broken, and I need time to make sure it is whole before I'm ready for the future stuff with him. I didn't say a lot... but it was enough.  He told me that he understood... and that he had known this would happen eventually.  He said the right things... he held me while he said it... but I knew I had broken his heart, at least a little bit.

We both tried to go to sleep... but he was restless and I knew he wasn't sleeping.  He got up a few times, went into the kitchen... I imagine he was trying to settle his own head so he could get some sleep.  At one point, I went out to see how he was doing... and I literally had no words for him.  My heart broke for what I knew I was making him feel - but I also couldn't take it back.  I meant what I said... and he knew that.  We held each other, kissed, and settled into each other... but we didn't say a word.  He came back to bed with me, but I felt teardrops on his face when I tried to snuggle closer.  He was finally ready to say something, and he just told me that he would do whatever I needed.  I just had to tell him how much or how little to be there; that he would be patient with me while I work through things; that he would always be a soft place to land when I'm ready.  He also told me that while he would be patient, if I chose to back off, he won't chase me.  I don't expect to be chased, but at the same time, I was surprised to hear those words.

We finally fell asleep, and when morning came, it was certainly a little awkward.  We both don't seem to know how much or little to talk... and we ended up in nearly complete silence the entire time we got ready.  It was awful.

This morning, he sent me this text:

I've known this was coming since early on... I've been at the place you are at... I could/can do nothing about how I felt/feel for you... As crazy as it sounds, I've loved you from the start... The thought of you not in my life (whether that happens or not) hurts more than I ever thought it would... I am fine... You just take the reins back in our relationship... I won't pressure you.  Tell me what you need/want from me... I will be as visible or hidden as you need.

To which I responded:

I need you to keep loving me... to not turn away from me... even when I make it hard to love me. I need you to show me grace when I get overwhelmed and to understand that it isn't about you at all... I need us to focus on today and enjoying each other and still remembering that our relationship is still so new... we have so much to learn about each other before we move to all of the future stuff.  That being said, I CAN see a future with you... I just need more time with you before I can go in that direction. Going so fast is scary for me, no matter how much I want it.  I'm guarded with my heart and don't want to make a mistake the 2nd time around. Please try and be patient with me as I work through this.  I'm not backing away... I'm just trying to catch my breath.

I'm so thankful that you are understanding despite how difficult I know it must be for you.  Thank you for loving me despite my baggage and brokenness... You mean so much to me and have given me such hope and filled me with happiness and love. I love you.
_______

So, that's where we are now.  Drama and baggage.  Not fun, but it had to happen.  I'm hopeful that we can recover and move past this... and if not, then we'll just see what happens next.

Birthday Weekend

I know that it is pretty unfair to compare a brand new relationship in all of its wonderful newness to the end of my crumbling marriage - but even thinking WAY back (13 years!) to my xH and my beginning days as a couple, I was never ever taken care of like this.  Ever. EVER.  Note the emphasis?

The Pilot asked way back in December if he could plan something for my upcoming birthday.  Our relationship was still super new, but I was excited about where it might be headed and more than happy to let someone plan something for me.  I mean, after all, xH actually forgot my 30th birthday last year.  So, yeah, I let him plan something.

With xH, "planning" consisted of him telling me what he wanted to do, and me making every phone call and reservation and tending to all of the little details.  This time?  Nothing.  All I had to do was pack a bag with the vague instructions to pack for colder weather and have something to wear for a nicer dinner.  Ooooo! Surprises! I love surprises :)

The night before we were to leave, he said he just couldn't wait any longer and wanted to tell me all about his plans... and then he proceeded to pull out a manila envelope full of papers - he printed off a page all about the hotel we were going to, menus from the restaurants he picked out (based on my two favorite types of food - of course), a paper with the description of the massage he booked for me at our hotel, and more.  Seriously?!  This guy totally knows that I am a super planner and love to know every single detail about everything... there wasn't a single detail he didn't think of.

Presents? Yeah... there were presents.  First, before we left, he surprised me with two big calphalon skillets and a huge cast iron pan (xH ended up with those in the divorce, and the Pilot and I were joking recently about my need for bigger pans so I can cook for our huge bunch of kids).  Then, he bought me the absolutely cutest workout outfit from GapBody (capris, long sleeved shirt and jacket) so I had something appropriate to wear to my massage.  I have never had anyone beside my mom buy me clothes before... it was really sweet.  Then, once we got to our destination (Sedona), he pulled out my "birthday cake"... which was a pound of my favorite candy from See's (Bordeaux).  He even put a 3 and 1 candle in it, lit it, and sang happy birthday.

We had a few amazing meals and cups of coffee... a lot of "in the room" time... and really enjoyed being together without any interruptions.  It was pure bliss.

He's working hard to make me happy... and he's impressing the heck out of me... I'm loving every minute.

Guilty.

I have a few posts to write about how absolutely perfect and wonderful everything is...

but first - we need to talk about my mental block.

Sometimes, I look over at the Pilot and think... I am doing something SO wrong here.  Let me assure you, this has nothing to do with him - this is all something that is going on in my head, and I can't seem to get ahold of it and work it out completely yet.  I have spent the last 13+ years knowing that my hands belonged on ONE person only... and now suddenly, that person is someone else... and my brain can't seem to catch up to the new situation.  It still seems to think that I'm cheating on my husband and I actually have moments where I feel guilty about what is happening.  Guilty that I'm happy... guilty that I'm being taken care of... guilty that my hands are on someone else.

Not one single part of me want to reconcile with xH.  But somehow... I just can't quite wrap my head around being with someone else.  It was all fun and games, and no big deal to move on... until things started getting serious.  Now, my head is talking crazy to me - reminding me that I thought things were perfect the first time around... and they weren't.  I thought xH was the one for me... and he wasn't.  I thought I'd never get divorced... but I did. I'm terrified that I won't do it right the next time.  I'm terrified that I'll make a mistake and I'll drag my kids into it... and his, too.  I'm terrified to start and I'm terrified to stop - because I think this issue is ALL in my head... nothing to do with the Pilot at all.  I'm just so scared because he SEES it all - the house, the minivan, the wedding, the babies... and in between flashes of that future, I see failure and hurt and what-ifs.

It appears that I'm a little more broken than I thought I was.

I just don't want my issues to ruin what we have started.  I don't want to throw away this relationship because I'm scared... I want to work through it and trust him and trust myself to know what I'm doing.  I love where we are at - and he has all of the things I've prayed for in a partner... but I'm afraid to open up and show him this side of my heart.  The part that is broken and scared and unsure...

Rough night.  Rough week.  But it'll get better... it always does, right?

Going to Church

The Pilot and I think we are SO smart.  We both had our kids this weekend, and since we (I) wasn't quite ready for them to meet him, we decided to outsmart the system.  We would go to church, drop the kids off at Sunday School, then meet up and hold hands all service long.  Genius, right?

Well, God must have found our plans to be totally hilarious, because after we sneakily dropped off our kids, and held hands all service long, we thought we were golden! A whole hour together, in the middle of a kids-weekend! We thought we were totally in the clear until I picked Carter up and he BEGGED to go play at the playground.  What mom says no to that?  Not me! I let him run off and play while I went in the next classroom to collect Charlie from his class.  When I got back out there, The Pilot's son was BEGGING him to play on the playground too... and so... the boys proclaimed their new best-friendness and played for the next 45 minutes on the playground.  Luckily I had Charlie to chase after, and there were lots of other parents and kids, so it was easy to keep our distance... until...

The boys started BEGGING for a playdate.  Not just a playdate "someday" - but a play date RIGHT NOW.  I have never ever ever seen such persistence by 6 and 7 year old boys about getting to play together immediately.  So, like any good parents - we totally caved in.  We scheduled a playdate for lunchtime... and it ended up lasting until 7pm - including playtime at our house with all four kids, a trip to Target (still with all four kiddos - boy were we a sight!) and a BBQ at their house.  It was ALL kinds of amazing.  The boys loved being with each other... which says a lot because my little man can be a little difficult with friends.  His daughter is in love with "baby" Charlie, and they colored together for hours.  And the Pilot?  Well, we took turns playing with the kids, cooking, and cleaning up messes... and stealing kisses every time the kids ran out of the room.  It was perfect.  And crazy.  And I want to do this again...

Let's Play Catch Up.

It has been a few weeks since I've updated.  Since I'm no longer being courted by multiple men (boy, was that awesome!), the blog posts are definitely morphing a bit... getting a little bit more thoughtful and deeper, but hopefully they'll still entertain a bit!

Let's rewind to the week before Christmas.  The Pilot flew me to Orange County, which nicely broke up his 14 day work trip - and while I was there, he dropped the big one --- I. Love. You.  Oh my gosh.  Seriously?!  I knew he was falling hard... and I knew that he didn't actually intend on starting something serious, but he sure got there quickly.  When we had our first couple of conversations in November, we were both very clear about not wanting a serious relationship and he also said he wasn't interested in having more children.  Hmmm... interesting.  Then, in the span of a couple of weeks, the guy who said he didn't like to talk on the phone and didn't want a relationship was suddenly calling me every night - and talking for hours - and was spouting "I love yous" left and right.  I was a bit overwhelmed, but was definitely feeling... something.  Whenever I didn't hear from him (even for a couple of hours), I missed him... heart leaping when I saw his name on my phone... wanting to end the fabulously fun game of dating multiple men... wanting to see what was next for us.

Sooo... after a week of thinking, and thinking, and TOO MUCH thinking... I finally realized that I was falling pretty hard too.  We spent Christmas Eve together... cuddled up, making grilled cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night... opening presents... just laying in bed for hours, listening to music (of course, a ridiculously romantic playlist that he made for me)... and then, Christmas morning, out of my mouth slipped something major.  My heart was nearly bursting over this guy - and I had to tell him... I loved him back.

Since Christmas, we have kept up our quick-paced relationship... I met his parents (they are sweet and wonderful people), his coworkers (we flew back to the OC for a day of shopping and lunch, so he could take a quick 2-hour training class), and his kids.  I MET HIS KIDS.  Whoa.  It was nerve-wracking and absolutely wonderful all at the same time.  He has a boy and a girl, 7 and 5... and they are absolutely precious.  I can't wait to see more of them and see how our lives might fit together.  He hasn't met my boys yet, as I just don't think it is a good idea before the divorce is final.  Could February come sooner?

He is very clear about where his head is at - he wants to get married and have a baby (or two), get a bigger house (can't fit 4-6 kids in either of our tiny little post-divorce places!), and a mini-van.  Yes.  He actually said he wants to trade his little sports car in for a minivan and have babies with me. I told you - he is crystal clear about his intentions.   He has also kept up the incredible romantic and thoughtful gestures... he noticed I needed batteries - so he brought me some.  He heard me complain about the hot water, so he went out and adjusted the water heater.  He heard the dryer buzz, late at night while I was getting ready for bed, so he folded the load of sheets before he came back into the room.  He had a whole day to waste in Vegas while he was working, so he stopped by Victoria's Secret and brought me back a whole bag full of beautiful things.  He takes my trash out, does the dishes, and makes my bed EVERY time he comes over.  He is amazing.  Sweet.  Thoughtful.  Spiritual.  Soooo many things that I have longed for for so many years.

I always feel like there is a "but" though... it is never about him... but just about the situation.  I am afraid about how it'll look if I'm suddenly in a serious relationship the second my divorce is final.  I worry that I am falling too fast and moving too quickly, but I don't actually have any idea how to change the pace (or even if I want to).  I am a little wrapped up in the fact that he's not my "type"... I always go for tall, bigger, classically handsome kind of guys who know the difference between Banana Republic and J. Crew and own just as many hair products as I do.  This guy is average height, a little on the thin side, cute but not WHOA. HOT. like some of the other guys I've gone out with (or was married to).  His teeth need to be whitened.  He has a crazy concave chest thing going on.  He's not physically what I pictured in my head.  That isn't to say that I'm not attracted to him... I really am.  I am totally and completely turned on every time he's around me.  It is just so different that what I'm used to, and I've needed to adjust a little bit.  Let's be honest though - looks are important - but only to a point.  The thoughtful and kind things he does, the words he says, the love he shares with me... WAY more important.  My head is just taking a little time to catch up to my heart... and get over the picture of what I used to have.

I am so excited about the next couple of weeks - he's taking me on a getaway for my birthday (not sure where), and we're going out to dinner with his parents... so much to look forward to.  I'm trying not to get too wrapped up inside my head and just let things progress as they will... but there is just so much more to think about when 4 kids are involved.  I don't want anyone to get hurt if this ends up not working out... it is all so tricky.

Hopefully I'll have another update sooner than later!