Working Through the Kinks...

Poor Pilot.  I had no idea how much the conversation I started was going to mess with his head.  In retrospect, I totally understand, but somehow at the time I thought that I could just tell him my issues, have things change magically and quickly, and not have him be stressed about it at all.  Well, he has definitely been wonderful and sweet about this the entire time... but two days after our big "talk", he got back into town again and came over.  I was so excited to see him... I felt like the weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and I wasn't feeling the crazy pressure of a "forever" relationship anymore.  We had been kissing for just a couple minutes, and he suddenly broke away and said that we had to talk.  My heart dropped to the floor.  I swear, I nearly had a panic attack right then.

He actually grabbed his phone, and handed it to me... he had typed me a letter while he was away working, but didn't want to email it to me because it was something I should read with him there - so I didn't have to deal with it alone.  Here it is:

We need to talk when I get home... I love you!  I understand what you are going through.  I expected you to get freaked out.  As time passed and we kept talking about our future I got more and more comfortable that this was a forever deal.  What I didn't expect was how much it would hurt me to have you put the brakes on our relationship and now the battle for me not to pull away... I've loved twice.  Tracey, you know how that ended, and you.  I love you deeper than I've ever loved before.  What I need to know:

What did I do to give you doubts about our future?  What can I work on or be better at?   How do I need to love you?  The same?  Do I need to do something more or something different?  I fell in love with you so deeply and now I feel like I'm failing again...

What is your expectation regarding our calendar, reading together, praying together, things we talked about so openly and frequently in the past.  Things like timeframe, rings, houses, mini vans, #5 etc?

Slowing our timeframe is fine.  If we don't have a timeframe anymore than I have to try as transparently as possible  to distance myself from your kids and you from mine.  The thought of which is killing me.  If that is necessary, then what are we doing about spring break?  

I just need some clarification As to our relationship status... Were we really on that different of pages?
Maybe I'm freaking out unnecessarily?

Laura I love you, but I hurt, I feel like our relationship has been knocked down 1000 steps.  I can't even listen to "our" playlist without getting emotional (and I'm not an emotional guy)...

I actually hurt just rereading this.  I was speechless.  I didn't know what to say or how to react... but I did my best to assure him that I am still the same girl, with the same feelings... I just can't handle the constant talk about "forever" and all that comes with it.  Not right now.  I think it was really hard for him to believe that that is all it was... he felt like he was doing something wrong, or that something could be fixed somehow.  All I need is time - and I told him that.  It was another long, restless night of sleep for us both... but we continued talking about things the next day and really got on the same page.

Things have gotten better and better every day since.  I can't tell you how many times since then I've thought to myself, I really could love this guy forever.  I'm not really to latch onto that thought permanently just yet... but I like thinking about it.  

And, just to make himself seem even more amazing - he sent me flowers at school on Friday (2nd time!).  I love getting flowers!  We also had a fabulous double date with my friend and her husband... it was their first time meeting him, and I got an overwhelmingly positive response from them both.  Then, I somehow managed to get food poisoning on Saturday night... and he stayed up with me, getting me washcloths, grabbing toothpaste for me, draping a sweatshirt around my shoulders in between rounds throwing up... followed by an entire day of me tucked into bed, being brought tea, toast, and crackers.  I was sleeping at his house, and totally asleep by 7, so he drove to my house, picked out clothes for me to wear to work, ironed them, did my dishes and folded my laundry while he was there, and came back home to his house.  Oh yeah, and then brought me lunch today at work.  OH! And then he picked DS1 up at xH's house (xH was home sick and wasn't up to watching DS1), watched him for the afternoon, ran errands with him, picked up his own kids, went back to my house with them all and cooked dinner for us all.  Seriously.  I'm pretty sure I can't think of a single thing more he could've fit into his day.  He is such a good, sweet, giving man.  I'm so glad things are going well... and getting better every day.